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The importance of self esteem in childhood and adulthood

New blog added 22nd Oct 2016

Self esteem and the importance of self care, nurturing and how parenting is so important

 

 Self esteem,it all begins in childhood

When a person doesn't like themselves their core beliefs can extend back to root causes in early childhood. Those core beliefs can be thoughts that they are " a waste of space" because that is what they are constantly being told.... or that they were a mistake and should never have been born because they had a parent who constantly told them how useless they were. As far as young minds go, even something said once in haste and anger can become traumatic and frightening and something played over and over again in the child's mind becoming bigger and bigger and bigger. Even conversations, perhaps something overheard that a young child wasn't meant to hear can implant the notion of not being loved and cared about. Young children do not have the reasoning abilities that develop into adulthood and how we care and nurture our children is really so very important. Bringing our children up with a balance where they know they are loved and also where they know where those boundaries are so when they do something wrong and are chastised they still know they are loved is so important and I think I can speak from personal experience here as often as a child I didnt feel loved by my mum and dad because of the difficulties they were going through. Fortunately I had two sets of loving grandparents and I spent some time in Guernsey growing up with my aunt and uncle and cousins which helped a lot in developing confidence, resilience and self esteem.

 

Low self esteem can also start to develop at nursery and school where a child may be bullied and start to suffer peer pressure. The lessons a child learns about themselves in life will often stay with them throughout all of their lives and if the views they hold about themselves leads them to become withdrawn,socially dysfunctional, extreme in their views on people and life then they will drag that around with them all through their life. The hardened views and dysfunctional behaviour may well build a protective shell and help a person cope in what they may view as a very unfair world and their behaviours and actions towards others may well distance them from friendships and social integration. For others who suffer and who do not form a hard exterior they can become depressive, isolated ,sad and lost even putting on a brave exterior face to all the world that they are ok when deep down inside they are crying out for help because their view of themselves is so negative and they dont know what to do. Their view is sadly imprinted on their psyche in early childhood and compounded as they get older as they come to believe that is true because of the feedback they constantly receive. As a young child I was mercilessly bullied and teased because I wasn't as bright academically as the other kids in my peer group and as a quiet shy and retiring kid the playground experience became a daily thing of dread... a battleground

When a child is very young the mind is like a sponge soaking up everything and if the core message surrounding their personal identity is negative then the child will in all probability come to believe this to be true. It's hard to understand how & why a parent may do this to their own child but we all know people have their own issues and crosses to bear and something may well have happened which is quite traumatic to the parent that changed their internal reasoning and behaviour towards the child. 


As a young teenager in love I remember one of my girlfriends had this feeling that they were not good enough and it was the fact that the next child her mother had was stillborn and her mother used to tell her from time to time that if She (the girlfriend) had not been born then the next child would not have been stillborn and although no blame was ever attached to her directly she grew up with the firm feeling that in her family as the youngest she was loved the least and that her mother blamed her for the death of her sister. She grew up a moody and troubled teenager whose relationship with her parents was difficult to say the least and who left home at 16. As I got to know her over the time we were together more and more it became apparent that she was a fairly dysfunctional person on many levels being difficult to get to know, quite argumentative and distant a great deal of the time.The very fact that in the time that we were together this subject came up numerous times, looking back now indicates that here was a person who was affected by their past and the messages they had received about their childhood. They were clearly not happy and perhaps somehow reaching out for help. At that time, I did not understand and I also had my own personal issues coming from a broken home. 
When a person doesn't like themselves it can make it very difficult for them to behave in a way that endears them to other people because it can sometimes go hand in hand with social dysfunctionality where the person can make themselves difficult to get along with and very hard to get to know. They may even hold quite polarised views of other people.

Both at home and at school, setting our children up with confidence and good self esteem values equips them to feel happy and valued

Over my time as a therapist I have worked with many people who even go so far as hating themselves and think that they are completely unfixable. What often surprises them is how the journey into therapy can help them to effect a complete mind shift of their worldview and how they view themselves and enabling them as people to live a happy fulfilling life....... and that of course is the end aim. 
As you can easily realise the journey isn't easy and it can take time, sometimes quite a long time to heal involving several sessions and sometimes more but in that instant when the mind is ready to change that change can take place in an instant. Therapy is not a magic bullet but a very powerful useful set of tools to facilitate personal change and growth.

There is no price that can be put on peace of mind and when you really want to change you will find that peace of mind


 

When therapy is a no no because the timing isn't right .

 
New blog added 19th October 2016
 
 

Situations where therapy is not a good idea.

 

 

 As therapists we have an ethical and moral obligation to our clients to carefully weigh up what is in their best interests which sometimes may well see us turning clients away. It is better to give the right advice than set someone up for high expectation and failure with all of the possible harm that those emotions can do.

 

 

Yesterday I took an enquiry from a parent who wondered if therapy could help their 16 year old to prepare themselves for a maths exam. On the face of it, the enquiry, without more background information seems a reasonable idea with firm possibilities.I say 'possibilities' with some reservations because there needs to be far more information gathered before processing whether it would be appropriate or not to use therapy to help improve self confidence for example, because ability needs to taken into account too. Now treating for anxiety is another issue altogether.

After gathering the information I put it to the the parent that in my view therapy would not be a good idea at the moment. You see the teenager had taken two maths exams previously and whilst academically competent in all the other areas,maths is definitely not a strong point which was evident from the previous grades.
 
The parents enquiry came from a good place of wanting to equip their teenager with the best chances of success and wondered if Hypnotherapy for lowering anxiety and improving confidence might help.Having explained to me that the exam was only a couple of weeks away and coupled with the fact that their teenager was undergoing extra tuition I foresaw a potentially difficult situation developing of ever increasing pressure and of expectations possibly not being met and how that might impact upon their teenagers self esteem. What I explored with the parent was their child's acumen and ability in the subject of maths.
It was clear from the outset that the teenager was feeling pressure which may in all likelihood be compounded by the teachers feedback to the parent about the pupil and how the pupil approaches the subject.
 
Considering the information imparted, the natural direction to take the conversation was to explore if their teenager actually had good ability in maths and it was clear that they struggled hence the need for additional tutoring.
Hearing what I was saying, the parent took my comments on board about pressure and went on to consider whether putting off this upcoming maths exam until next year in order to help their teenager improve over time with extra studies was a better idea as it meant less pressure. "A good idea I think."
 
My deep concern is in equipping someone to beleive they can feel succesful and positive to achive something they do not have the requisite skills for yet is setting them up for failure and disappointment and to not feel good enough.This is potentially a very harmful outcome as far as how that person may well view themselves.
Whether we think we are "good enough" is really not important as that can set us up for low self esteem and disappointment.
We can be our own worst inner critics and we most likely give ourselves a harder time than other people's views of us. The idea of being "good enough" is often judgemental in a negative sense whether it comes from ourselves or others.
 
What is important is that we try our best with enthusiasm and intent to learn and develop and that we try our best coming from a place of good intent honour and integrity. It is important that we know our strengths and weaknesses and in being honest with those weaknesses if it is something we really want to work on then one can devote the time needed to learn and acquire those skills if that is what is important to us........ But it has to be for us and not to please someone else because in time, if we are not being true to ourselves we may find ourselves in a very unhappy situation of not living our truth.
 

How to choose a good therapist


 

New Blog added 26th January 2016

 

When choosing a therapist the best advice I can give to anyone considering hypnotherapy or any other mind based therapy is to choose a therapist with great care and consideration and who is the following:-

(a) properly qualified.

(There is no regulatory law at present in the UK which requires a practitioner to be properly qualified by law and licensed to practice.Anyone can set themselves up as a hypnotherapist with no professional qualifications whatsoever)

 
(b) has public liability insurance and who is upfront about disclosing their professional credentials.


(c) belongs to a governing professional body which means they are bound by a strict code of ethics.

 
(d) choose a therapist who you feel a good rapport with and who you feel you can put your trust in.

 

 


Remember that a good therapist is not about themselves and how clever and brilliant they are and and how they can make you do something and how many people they have put through their practice, its about you, all about you and empowering you to make those inner changes.A good therapist should be empathic, patient, able to listen and work creatively with you and should be flexible enough to help you through resistance, challenges, fears etc. A good therapist should also not be afraid of telling you like it is when necessary and find a way that inspires you to achieve rather than leaving you feeling a failure.A good therapist is all about helping you to facilitate personal change and growth.

 

 


 

New for 2016. Hypnotherapy /BWRT sessions in a beautiful location on the edge of St Austell


New blog added 13th Jan 2016

New for the forthcoming spring of 2016. An alternative therapy location to my current venue in St Austell will be at Pine Lodge Gardens in St Austell. For appointment bookings and enquiries call 01726 69703 or 07740 190261

Set in a 30 acre estate this beautiful location offers a wonderful alternative for clients who might like to have their hypnotherapy or BWRT treatments in this stunning and tranquil setting. 

The site is open seven days a week which makes weekend appointments available and offers free parking,is wheel chair friendly and access to the therapy room is at ground level making it ideal for clients who are unable to manage the flight of stairs at my existing location in town at 10 South street.There is also a cafeteria offering refreshments.The therapy room will be very quiet and discrete and comfortably appointed. It is expected that the room will be ready by early spring. 

 One of Pine lodge gardens very quiet corners .

The beauty of this location is the opportunity for walking and talking therapy in the gardens should the weather and the situation be appropriate. Whether you want to stay inside the comfort and privacy of the therapy room or venture outdoors both options can be accommodated.Pine lodge gardens is very large and there are many quiet corners to be able to sit and talk in privacy.

 

 

There is a very modest increase on hourly room hire charge at Pine lodge Gardens over my existing facility at 10 South street and to offset this each client who books with me will also be entitled to spend some time enjoying the peace and tranquillity of Pine lodge gardens after their appointment  with me on the day, completely free of charge. If  you would like to book your therapy sessions with me at Pine Lodge Gardens sessions are by appointment only and must be booked through me on my contact details and not through Pine lodge Gardens. The garden is an entirely separate business to my therapy practice and do not take any enquiries or bookings for my services at all. Please contact me for all enquiries on 01726 69703 or 07740 190261

 

 

 


 

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9 Jubilee Meadow, St Austell, PL25 3EX
01726 69703